PSA: Pro-Tips

Fade in to Church and Sarge, in the opposite order
Sarge:
Hello, I'm Sarge from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
Church:
And I'm Private Church from the same show. You know, lots of people ask us here at the popular webseries Red vs Blue, "Hey Red vs Blue, how did you get to be a popular webseries?"
Sarge:
A question that sounds rhetorical, but isn't.
Church:
So we thought we would help all the budding young producers out there by offering Red vs Blue's tips, on how to make a successful online video.
RED vs. Blue's Tips - How to make a Successful Online Video
Sarge:
That's the first tip right there! It's always important to start your video with lots of text.
Church:
Because if there's one thing people like to do on Internet video sites, it's read.
Sarge:
And to make sure viewers can read it, make sure it's white text, on a snappy blue background.
Be Profeshinal - Sarge883Productions
Church:
In video editing software you can usually find this feature under "Tools" and then "Horrible Default Options".
Sarge:
And while you're adding text, go ahead and throw in some opening credits. It really sets the mood. People love to know they're about to watch another SkrillaKilla production. Which was produced by SkrillaKilla. And edited by: SkrillaKilla.
Church:
Written by SkrillaKilla.
Sarge:
Adapted for the screen by... SkrillaKilla.
Church:
You know what, go ahead and throw some of your buddies' names in there too. Really flesh out that crew list. It makes it seem super professional.
Sarge:
And now it's time to start your video.
Church:
And we're probably only about like what, two minutes in at this point?
1:24 into this video, if you must know
Sarge:
Now's the time to hit 'em with the music. Just pick any song you like.
Music starts in the background. Some crappy metal song
Sarge:
Preferably something in the Drowning Pool/Limp Bizkit category.
Church:
Anything will work here. If there's one thing that the Internet has taught us, it's that everybody likes the same music.
Sarge:
Just play it loud, loud!
The music gets louder
Sarge:
Louder than anything!
Church:
The louder it is, the more likely that when someone watches it on their computer, all the other people around them will ask, "What the hell are you watching?"
Sarge:
That means you just picked up some new viewers. Score.
Church:
And to keep those viewers, you need a hook.
Sarge:
In every video something cool has to happen.
Church:
And when that cool thing happens, you need to make sure that people know it happened. That's why you need to master the slow motion instant replay.
Sarge:
Slow motion instant replays come in three flavours: Slow, Super Slow, and so slow it's like a still image with the sound oooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
Church:
Try showing all three in a row. That's great.
Sarge:
Here, let's illustrate. Take the video where Church gets blasted in the face with a shotgun.
Church:
What? What video is that, we don't have a video where-
Sarge:
Heh heh.
Church:
Oh crap.
Sarge levels his shotgun at Church's head, and we see it in normal speed
Church:
Ow!
Sarge:
Booya.
The clip replays in very slow, then ridiculously slow motion
Sarge:
See, that was great!
Church:
That was terrible!
Sarge:
Maybe we should get an unbiased opinion. Hey Caboose!
Caboose:
Iiiiiiiii thoooooooooought iiiiiiiiiit waaaaaaaaaaaas greaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- it was okay.
Church:
Oh shut up.
Sarge:
Now that something worth watching has happened, don't forget to beg for subscriptions. And comments.
Church:
And you can do all that, through the wonderful invention of annotations. You don't know what those are? Imagine if the great directors of the world, had had the ability to stick Post-it notes directly on the eyeballs of their audience. It's like that, only more annoying.
As Church says that, a bunch of annotations show up. But I will not transcribe them here. Fuck that.
Sarge:
And don't forget your end credits! Just copy and paste the opening credits.
Church:
Oh, and one last thing, make sure to pick a thumbnail that has nothing to do with the actual video.
Sarge:
May we suggest a pretty girl? Perhaps a cute puppy. Or a pretty girl holding a cute puppy. Or a cute puppy holding a pretty girl.
 

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