PSA 1: Internet Survival Guide

Fade in to Church and Sarge
Church:
Hi. I'm Private Church from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
Sarge:
And I'm Sarge, the one that matters from that show.
Church:
In its tenth season, Red vs Blue is the longest running webseries in Internet history. And people often ask us "how have you managed to have such a successful online run for so long?"
Sarge:
After all, the Internet can be a dangerous place. What with its datatechnowhatsits and all of its dot-thingies; it's a warzone! And not the good kinda war zone.
Church:
That's why we've put together the trusty Red vs Blue guide to online survival. Let's get started, shall we?
Step One: Learn the Lingo
Sarge:
While you might be familiar with typical Internet vernacular like LOL, WTF, OMG, and YJGS (You Just Got SARGE'D)
Church:
You also have to learn to interpret the temper of the locals. For example - hey commenters! What did you think of the new trailer for the upcoming popular movie sequel?
Simmons:
They totally retconned the original movie. Worst trailer ever.
Grif:
It was so much work trying to understand the plot. What a waste of my life.
Caboose:
We all dislike things in various ways. Best comment thread ever.
Sarge:
Now, while it's only natural for a civilian like yourself to be frightened by these harsh words and loud voices, fear not!
Church:
Hyperbole is the Internet's native language. Allow us to translate.
TRANSLATED
Simmons:
I was mildly disappointed with the glimpse that I got of this anticipated sequel. I hope the next trailer will be better, but if not, I'll pay to see the movie anyway.
Grif:
Sometimes movies require me to think too hard. I will go back to the other activities that I enjoy throughout my day.
Caboose:
We all dislike things in various ways. Best comment thread ever.
Church:
Understanding the Internet's way of speaking, can keep your head above water, in a sea of crazy comments. And crazy commenters.
Sarge:
And if all else fails, use your shotgun.
Sarge hauls off and shoots Grif in the face
Grif:
Ah!
Step two: DO NOT Engage the Enemy
Sarge:
Now the vast digital nebula of Cyberspace is filled with hostile alien life forms! The most dangerous of course, being the dreaded Internet Troll.
Blue Troll:
Oh hey, this that "Blue verse Red" show?
Church:
Internet Trolls spend their time making blatantly ignorant comments, and harass anyone stupid enough to interact with them.
Red Troll:
Hey which one of you guys is Caboose, is he the red one?
Blue Troll:
Hey- hey red guy- red guy say something Caboose would say. Do it. Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it.
Sarge:
Oh-hollle.
Church:
And if Trolls don't feel like they're getting enough attention, they may also resort to hurtful words.
Red Troll:
Didn't you guys already do an Internet PSA?
Blue Troll:
Hey, how did you guys last for ten seasons if you only have three jokes?
Red Troll:
I kind of do like some of those jokes.
Blue Troll:
Stop liking things right now!
Red Troll:
I'm sorry.
Sarge:
Frowny emoticonnn.
Church:
And, if all else fails, they've got good old fashioned obscenities.
Blue Troll:
Hey red guy.
Sarge looks
Blue Troll:
Fu-*beeeep*
Sarge attacks!
Sarge:
Aah! Aaah! Get out of my chatroom you troll bastards!
Church:
Remember kids, feeding Trolls will only make things worse.
Blue Troll:
It can't be any worse than your aim!
Red Troll:
Oh snap.
Step Three: Hug it Out
Church:
To make it through ten seasons, we've learned that the most important rule of survival is trusting your teammates. We'll let Sarge and Grif show you the perfect model for conflict resolution.
Sarge:
Wait, what? I didn't-
Church:
Oh come on just, go with it.
Grif:
Hey Sarge? I've got some things I need to get off my chest.
Sarge:
Hnn. Like what? Private Grif.
Grif:
Well, like the time all the rations were gone, and I told you the Blues sent over a trained raccoon to steal them?
Sarge:
Mister Bloomers? We never did find that rascally critter.
Grif:
There was no raccoon. I ate those rations Sir.
Sarge:
What the sly cougar? I oughta-
Church:
Ahem.
Sarge:
-give you a big hug. Private Grif, thank you for bringing this... to my attention.
Grif:
So- we're okay?
Sarge:
Water under the bridge, Grif.
Grif:
Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest.
Sarge:
Poisonous water under the bridge of corporal punishment! Hah!
Sarge enters Beatdown Grif Mode
Church:
Follow these tips if you don't wanna drown out there in the Internet. Who knows? Maybe you'll last even longer than we have. You know to be honest I'm- I'm not really sure how we made it this far.
Grif:
Ow, stop, we're supposed to hug it out!
Sarge:
Your face can hug the end of my shotgun!
Grif:
Ah- oh- not the front! Ah, not the back either! Ow! Ah-oh!
Red Troll:
Wow, this gag again?
Blue Troll:
What do you expect? They already used their other two jokes ages ago.
Red Troll:
Oh shit son, shit just got real.
 

Rating: 100% (+1 / -0) Sign up or log in to rate this resource.

No feedback has been left on this yet. Why not be the first?

Sign up or sign in to comment on this resource.