Episode 8: Fall From Heaven

Fade in to Pilot directing someone moving crates
Pilot:
No, no. This one goes here, that one goes there.
Worker:
Hmm.
Washington:
So when are you and Benny gonna jump out of this thing.
York:
Wrecked him? Damn near killed him.
North:
York, how many times are we gonna have to listen to this story? Get a new one.
Mother of Invention Hangar A1 / Many Years Ago...
Washington:
I hope the seatbelts are better.
York:
So anyway, like I was saying-
Carolina:
We ready?
Pilot:
Just about, running final checks now.
Carolina:
Alright you heard her, everyone on board.
Washington:
Great.
North:
Alright.
York:
Come on D, let's go. It's about time, let's get this mission goin'.
Pilot:
Whoa whoa, hang on a minute. What is that thing?
York:
This is Delta, our new addition.
Pilot:
Your new addition is pretty small.
Washington:
I said the same thing.
York:
Delta is a computer program. He helps us figure stuff out; he's an A.I.
Pilot:
Oh A.I., huh? What's the A stand for?
York:
Artificial.
Pilot:
I know what the fuck it stands for! What's it doing here? Is this like one of those robots that takes people's jobs and puts them out of work?
York:
I don't think so.
Pilot:
What are you looking at I said put it over there, pay attention!
The worker moves his crate elsewhere
Carolina:
Hey guys, get a move on.
Pilot:
Hang on a minute. You, green guy. Do you know how to fly a plane?
Delta:
No I do not.
Pilot:
Oh, right, we're cool then. Everybody, on board.
Worker:
Mm, mh, mmm.
Pilot:
Not over there, over there- just quit screwin' around and put that thing back where you found it.
Worker:
Uhh ughh.
Pilot:
This is four seven niner, we are wheels up and engines hot. Leave the light on for us Command.
Command:
Roger that four seven niner, good luck.
Pilot:
Thanks Command, four seven niner out. Man, I would hate to have that guy's job.
Up up, and away! And we cut to the desert
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
Carolina:
This where you found the body?
Washington:
Yep. She's right up there.
Carolina:
We'll see; take me there. Sync?
Washington:
Sync.
Caboose:
Automatic dishwasher.
The Freelancers run off together into the sunset
Tucker:
Man, where was this chick back when we had that awesome tank? Bitches love tanks.
Church:
I don't get it. What is she looking for?
Tucker:
You tell me. I don't know half of what's happening these days. You found me here, remember?
Church:
Oh yeah. You were actually kind of a badass that time.
Tucker:
Dude, I'm kind of a badass all the time. You guys just happened to notice it then.
Caboose:
Ah that's not true; I never noticed it.
Notice the jeep in the background with the hydraulics still going? Tucker pimped that shit out
Church:
Look, the point is she's not telling us everything. I just don't understand why.
Tucker:
Who knows man? I've tried everything I can to get some info out of her. I tried hitting on her, I tried sleeping with her, I tried making out with her.
Church:
Sounds like a complete effort.
Tucker:
Dude, no kidding. I used the whole playbook. I even used my best pickup line: "Hey baby, did you fall from heaven? 'Cause I've always wanted to bone an angel."
Church:
Tucker be honest, have you ever had sex with anything besides an alien?
Tucker:
Church, the more important question here is, do you know any girls who aren't complete bitches that won't sleep with me?
Church:
Sohorry dude, that seems to be all I have in my life.
Tucker:
Hhoh, you're like the worst wingman ever.
Caboose:
Of all time.
Cut to the ship in flight
En Route To Enemy Base / Many Years Ago...
York:
We parking?
Pilot:
Indeed we are. The enemy base is right below us.
Washington:
How far below?
Pilot:
Do you really wanna know?
Washington:
Probably not. Do I wanna know?
Pilot:
Seventy-five thousand feet.
Washington:
Yheah, that's high.
Pilot:
(No wonder you guys need computer programs) Yes, that's very high.
Delta:
That is approximately fourteen point two miles.
York:
Thanks D, you do not need to do that any more.
Delta:
Automatic conversion routines, offline.
Carolina:
What's the plan?
Pilot:
Well, we know they're ready for us, I figure that they have defenses pointed in every direction. Except...
Carolina:
Except they're probably not looking straight up.
Pilot:
They're probably not looking straight up.
Carolina:
You thinking about a dive bomb?
Washington:
Oh no.
Pilot:
Sort of, but if we did a dive bomb our engines would register on their thermals, let them know that we're coming. I'm thinking' somethin' else.
Carolina walks back to the bay
Carolina:
Probably wanna tighten that harness.
Washington:
Ohh no.
Pilot:
Express elevator, goin' down!
She cuts the power, and the ship starts dropping
Washington:
I think I'm gonna be sick!
Carolina:
You know these suits are supposed to eliminate all waste. You could probably throw up in your helmet and it would take care of it for you.
York:
Yeheah, you should test that Wash.
Washington:
You two are assholes.
Delta:
Actually York, we were never able to get the vomit disposal patch beyond beta. Agent Washington would likely drown.
York:
Yikes. Way to kill the mood, D.
Pilot:
Hey York? Send that little green guy up here.
York:
D, you heard her, front and center.
Delta pops up in front of Pilot
Delta:
May I be of assistance?
Pilot:
Hey buddy, I need you to tell me when I can fire the jets at the last possible second. You know, to avoid crashing.
Washington:
Please don't say crashing!
Delta:
I understand. To prepare, I will need to calibrate for your reaction time.
Pilot:
Fine, go ahead.
Delta:
When I say mark, you say sync. Mark-
Pilot:
Sync-
Delta:
Mark-
Pilot:
Sync-
Delta:
Calibration complete.
Pilot:
Soo, we're good.
Delta:
I have a high degree of confidence, we will be able to complete this manoeuver.
Delta pixellates for a moment, then returns to normal
Pilot:
Wait a second, why did you just blink like that?
Delta:
That was just a standard maintenance routine.
Pilot:
Dude, did you just make a backup of yourself?
Delta:
Confidence is one thing, but it is always prudent to prepare for failure.
Pilot:
Hhoh. That's a dick move, green guy.
Delta:
I apologize if I have offende-
Pilot:
Dick, move.
Delta:
Prepare to fire engines on my mark. Five... four... three...
Cut to a panning-up shot of two soldiers apparently standing guard
Soldier 1:
Hey.
Soldier 2:
Yeah?
Soldier 1:
You ever wonder why we're-
The dropship comes down about 5 feet behind them and stops
Soldier 2:
Run for it!
Pilot:
Everybody out!
York:
Okay, go go go!
Washington:
Why are we always jumping out of this thing?
North:
Let's move people!
Carolina braces against the wall
Carolina:
Yeah, let's move.
She jumps up to the underside of the back of the dropship and propels herself down, and the epic fight begins
North:
South, stay behind me!
They move behind a storage container as Carolina does Carolina things
North:
Go, go!
Washington:
York, move up!
York and Wash advance on the other side of the field
York:
On it.
He gets shot in the chest
Washington:
Fucking grenades.
Wash does a mini-EMP and disables the vehicle weapons
Cut to C.T. and the Leader watching on a screen
C.T.:
They're here. I didn't think they'd find me so quickly.
The Leader:
It was only a matter of time. Let's deal with this. All hands topside; we are under attack. This is not a drill. Let's go people, move!
Back to the action, and York's back on his feet
Washington:
We've got to time this just right. Wait for my mark.
York:
Call it.
Soldiers line up while shooting
Captain:
Okay. What have you got for me.
He shoots very near Carolina's head
Carolina:
Alright boys, me first.
She throws a grenade, but the Captain shoots it out of the air
Washington:
Now!
Wash and York step out and start shooting, then quickly retreat from vehicular fire
Washington:
No wait, not now, not now.
York:
Come on!
Carolina:
Dammit! North, we're pinned down, I need you to take them out.
North:
Can't get a line of sight on the target from here, but I might have a way to contain them.
Carolina:
Just do it.
North:
Theta.
Theta:
Ready!
North:
Putting up a hail mary. I need you to guide it.
Theta:
Okay.
North:
They say the best offense, is a good defense!
He throws a canister, and it lands behind the line of soldiers
Captain:
What the-
A shield goes up around them, locking them in
Captain:
Hold your fire people. Stand down.
Soldier:
Hm. I got this.
Captain:
No wait-
The soldier fires, and the bullet bounces back into his own head. As he falls he pulls the trigger, and bullets fly everywhere and kill everyone inside
North:
Did I get 'em?
Carolina:
Yeah North, you got 'em.
North:
Thanks for the help, Theta.
Theta:
You are welcome.
North:
Okay, we're moving. York, you guys can handle this from here, right?
York:
Handle it? Sure! I mean, I nearly got blown up a minute ago, and now I'm paired with the squad's second-worst fighter. But sure, we can handle it.
North:
Great. North out.
Washington:
You really think I'm the second-worst fighter?
York:
No I was being nice. You're easily the worst.
York gets punched the fuck out by a sleeveless soldier
Washington:
You were saying? ...Y-eah oh.
A fight ensues, and a car starts moving towards them
Washington:
Uh oh. CAR!
York:
Dammit! Shotgun!
Carolina fires at sleeveless guy from above and misses, then sees the car moving towards them
Carolina:
Oh fuck. No you don't.
She kicks the gunner out of the car and fires at him, but the Captain from the roof in that one episode in Season 9 backs the car into the way of her bullets
Captain:
'Sup bitch, payback time.
More action, and eventually a car fishtails into York knocking him backwards
York:
Oowhoah! Oh, my head.
Washington:
Okay. Time to fight fire, with fire.
He tosses a canister out into the field of battle, and as people run away from it a large container lands on it from the sky. It opens to reveal Maine and Sigma
Maine:
Hrhrhrhrhr.
Sigma:
Agent Maine, isn't that the soldier from the freeway, the one that shot you in the throat?
Maine:
Hggrrhr.
Sigma:
I thought so. Sick 'im.
 

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